Holiday relationship advice

Recently posted comments

• I want to take my first holiday since my husband died (a cruise) but am worried about getting lonely. Any suggestions on how to boost my confidence?
  Question posted 21/09/09
  • The death of a partner is a huge loss and it is bound to have an impact on your confidence. You are having to re-create your identity as a single person and that is bound to feel frightening after many years of being married.
    Two things may help you. First, don't wait for things to come to you. However hard it is, try to make the effort to go out and engage in the many activities on board, rather than sitting in your cabin feeling alone. Try to give the behaviour you want to receive - so, if want someone to invite you to go to the dancing class, don't sit waiting for an invitation, but invite someone yourself. You may be surprised how many people are on board feeling as anxious as you are.
    Secondly, when you meet people for the first time, remember that the way to get conversations going and to make friends is to ask questions. If someone threw you a ball you would instinctively catch it. Asking a simple question ("Where are you from?") is like throwing a ball at someone. They will instinctively catch it and throw it back to you. When you meet new people, don't wait for them to throw the ball at you, go up to them and make the first throw. It is something simple that you can do.
    
• My boyfriend and I are planning to go on our first ever holiday together but we both have very different ideas. I want a beach holiday and he wants adventure. What is the best way to compromise or will he just have to wait until next year to get his way?
  Question posted 21/09/09
  • It is important for both of you to be able to express your wishes and to feel that you have both been heard rather than dismissed. As you are in a relationship neither of you can get entirely what you want all of the time and compromise is a must. I may be wrong about this, but I feel that having to wait a year until I got something of what I wanted may be a long time to wait. However, it may work for you and you could just have different holidays each year to meet the other person's needs. The two alternatives to waiting a year would be 1) to select a holiday that could meet both needs and to divide the days up equally between the different activities, or 2) to have shorter breaks in different places.
    Regardless of how you handle to logistics of where you go, it is essential to face the issue head on before you go and agree that compromise involves more than just doing something that you wouldn't necessarily choose yourself. You both need to engage in the other's activities with a good spirit, even if you don't necessarily like them. You could both so easily destroy the compromise by having the wrong attitude.
    
• I’ve been invited on holiday with a group of friends, but I fancy one of my mate’s boyfriends. I’ve been avoiding him ever since she’s been with him and he’s going to be coming with us. What do I do?
  Question posted 21/09/09
  • Of course, on the face of it, a simple solution might be just to decline the invitation to go on holiday with this group. In one sense, if the flame is alight, all the holiday may do is fan the flame even brighter. However, the absence might cause you to think even more about him, and you would have missed out on a holiday in the process.
    I think there are two key things to do here that may help you. First, get a clear sense of perspective about your attraction. Sexual/romantic attraction is a normal part of life. Many of us feel attracted to people we know all the time, but attraction doesn't mean that we have to pursue it. The more you worry about or try to suppress your attraction, the bigger an issue it is likely to become. Try to accept it and enjoy it and remind yourself that you have put a clear boundary in place and have decided not to follow up on it. And seeing the person on holiday may help you see other, less attractive sides to him.
    The second thing is to have a replacement tape ready. If I say: "Don't think about a pink elephant!" that is the first thing you will think about. It is no good saying to yourself: "I mustn't think about him!" All that will do will encourage you to think about him. Have a prepared plan of topics and things you will think about when you find your mind drifting over towards him. Make a conscious effort to fill your mind with something else rather than let him seep into any vacuum.
    
• This summer I’m going on holiday in a group of four, my boyfriend and two girls who are great mates of mine. My boyfriend likes my friends but I just know he’ll want to spend time alone with me and that I’m going to be piggy in the middle. Any advice please?
  Question posted 04/06/09
  • Being piggy in the middle can be difficult, but in a sense, the set-up you have chosen for your holiday makes that inevitable to some extent. Given that you are going to be pulled in two directions it is best if you can prepare for that before you go and set out some reasonable expectations.
    Make it clear to your friends and boyfriend that you are going to spend some time with everybody, some time with your boyfriend, and some time with your friends. You can make some provisional plans for how you divide up your days, or the parts of your days. Try to get an understanding before you leave home. That way there should be less tension on the holiday, and when with each ‘party’ try to make that time as enjoyable as possible.
    At the end of the day, your boyfriend and friends may moan about not having enough of you, but you unless you are an extraterrestrial, you are not responsible for what others think or do, and you cannot be in two places at once.
    
• My ex-boyfriend and I are now very good platonic friends and we’ve booked to go on holiday with some other mates this summer. Since booking and paying for it, I’ve got a new boyfriend who really hates the idea of me going with my ex. I’ve explained that it’s totally innocent and suggested he come too, but he won’t hear of it. I really want to go and feel cross that I’m being made to feel guilty when I haven’t done anything wrong. What shall I do?
  Question posted 04/06/09
  • The issue for you may be quite straightforward, but being in a relationship means that you have some obligations to consider the needs and feelings of your partner. In one sense, the fact that you are innocent and have done nothing wrong is not the main issue here. It is an understandable problem for your new boyfriend. If you care about him, you could show that by giving consideration to his feelings. It is important that you demonstrate to him that he has your primary loyalty and consideration now, especially above the platonic friendship you have with your ex.
    Apart from your boyfriend’s immediate concerns, there are two other factors to think about. First, you will have a history of emotional and physical intimacy with your ex, and this common ground is bound to be a threat to your new partner. There will be shared understandings and experiences that he is not part of and he will feel that when you are together it is being ‘rubbed in his face’. Secondly, there is the future as well as the past. You may not have done anything wrong, but a good friendship, the opposite sex, a new location, a holiday may all add up to things happening that you hadn’t anticipated. Don’t get into a dangerous vehicle and then be surprised if you have a road crash – better not to get into it in the first place.
    If the new relationship is important to you, do everything to build it and enhance it, and avoid anything that might jeopardize it.
    
• We are going on a family holiday this summer with my 6 year old daughter and our 13 year old son. I'm a bit worried about how my son will cope being stuck with his parents and little sister in a remote villa for two weeks...and the resulting arguments. At home he spends so much time with friends / on the phone to them / texting or on his computer. Have you any tips for some family harmony on holiday?
  Question posted 04/06/09
  • Investing in the relationship with your son will pay dividends in the long-run and this holiday may provide a good opportunity to do that. As well as having time for yourselves as adults, and as well as attempting joint family times, accept that the children will have different needs, and plan times where each parent spends time with a child. Most children and teenagers will love the undivided attention of a significant parent responding to them at their level and engaging willingly in their activities. And of course, asking them what they realistically want to do may produce some surprisingly satisfying results.
    Think about the possibility of some sort of physical activity for your son. Pool races with dad or mum, tennis, walks, even a morning jog to keep Mum or Dad company. Try to engage him in responsible adult activity – helping cook the barbeque, planning the route to the distant shops. Despite the remoteness of the location, within a couple of hour’s drive there is a probably a centre that might offer riding, or shooting, or archery, or quad-biking, or karting which would provide some occasional variety.
    
• I try to ensure that my children eat a nutritious and balanced diet and my husband is almost evangelical on the subject -- but that’s rather different from my sister’s kids who live off chocolate and chips. We’re having a family holiday in the summer and I can see it becoming a major issue; if her offspring eat ice cream all day long how can I deny my own children?
  Question posted 08/04/09
  • While the adults could, in theory, agree to follow their different beliefs about food and for the two families to eat differently when together, in practice, it is totally unrealistic to expect children to be able to cope with the tensions of the differences. For the sake of the children there has to be compromise and an appearance of unity. One way forward would be to address the elephant in the room before you go on holiday and come up with a joint plan. The simplest way of doing this would be to agree to alternate the days - one day of evangelical balance, and once day of chocolate and chips - with everybody agreeing to participate in a good spirit. If you don't agree a compromise beforehand, and then execute it with grace, you are building a continual source of tension into your family holiday which could damage relationships and spoil the time together. Ask yourself the following: "What is more important - enjoying time with our larger family, relaxing, and building stronger relationships, OR refusing to eat a bag of chips for a few days?"

Ask James about holiday relationship worries

James Rye,BA, MPhil, MA (Counselling), Cert CBT, MBACP (Accred.), UKRCP (Ind. Reg.) is a director of Connections Counselling Ltd in King's Lynn, Norfolk. In addition to assisting people who travel to his office, James now also regularly works with individuals and couples from around the world via telephone and the internet. He helps them understand their past and plan their own strategies for the present and future. James is married with two adult children.